Unexpected path, amazing path

       When I was a little girl I always dreamed about being a mother. I played with dolls (longer then I should have), I fed them, talked to them and practice taking care of a child. Obviously becoming a parent is a lot harder with a real baby then one made of plastic, but I was 8, what difference did I know?
       Jump to me being 24 years old, married and about to give birth. I had woken up at 5 in the morning to the realization that my water broke. I was 37 weeks and my husband was three hours away. I was staying with  his parents, since we didn't like any of the doctors around where we lived. So anyway, my water broke, my mother in law and I headed to the hospital and my husband was on his way. It felt like an out of body experience, the moment I had dreamed about for a large portion of my life was about to come true. I was about to become a mother. I was about to count 10 finger and 10 toes and look at my beautiful baby, whom I had waited 24 years to see. At 11:01 pm after hours of not dilating a single centimeter, with my husband at my side we welcomed our daughter, Haley Marie.

     The moment that I saw her, I felt such joy, and a little confusion. She didn't look like I thought she would. I can't exactly pinpoint what was different but I thought she looked like she had Down Syndrome. But that couldn't be right. She never showed any of the markers in my sonograms. I mean she had a tongue protrusion in her 4d sonogram but all the technicians thought it was cute and nothing to worry about. 

  My husband Adrian went off with Haley to get cleaned up and I stayed in the recovery room. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. So when they finally handed her to me to hold, I looked at my husband and asked him if she had Down Syndrome. He told me no way could she have that and I assumed maybe its just my imagination. Then the nurse walks in and says we have to talk to our doctor because she showed some signs of Down Syndrome (even though she wouldn't say it outright, since the doctor had to give the diagnosis I knew that is what she meant). Since I had given birth so late we wouldn't see the pediatrician till the following day.
   Our night was uneventful, she would have slept the whole night if we let her. She was getting bottle fed because she had such a weak suckle that she wouldn't latch on. In fact her suckle was so weak that she had a very hard time drinking the bottle. Adrian and I didn't really talk about her having Down Syndrome, we wanted to wait to see what the doctor had to say. He ended up showing up in the afternoon, asked us basic questions about Haley. We finally told him that the nurses suspected that she might have Down Syndrome. He looked at us and seemed genuinely shocked that someone would tell us that. Then proceeded to tell us she in no way had Down Syndrome. He even seemed mad that the nurses would suggest that. Needless to say we were ecstatic! We were now just working on getting her to take a bottle, then eventually move on to breast feeding.
   Our last day in the hospital (Saturday) one of the nurses found, while listening to her heart, a murmur. They did a bunch of echos and said they would call us with the results on Monday. The weekend came and went with us just taking care of our daughter and hanging out with family. Monday finally arrived. First I got a call from her cardiologist saying that her echo revealed her heart condition was serious and that we needed to see him the following week so that he can take a better look. I freaked. I couldn't believe there was anything wrong with her heart since we paid extra to have someone look at her heart in the womb to make sure everything was ok, and she got the all clear. Our next call was from the pediatrician. He said he talked to our cardiologist and that her heart condition looked like it could be an AV canal defect. He took a big breath and told me that her heart condition made it very possible that she did have Down Syndrome. Its mind blowing how two little words can turn your life upside down. I hung up the phone and just held Haley as I wept. I couldn't believe it. I had a feeling in the back of my mind, but hearing the doctor say it was like having someone sucker punch you, all the while shattering all your dreams.
    We did a genetic test that week, but I knew in my heart that she had Down Syndrome. 2 weeks later it was confirmed. Haley has Down Syndrome. More specifically Trisomy 21. Adrian and I were devastated. We never showed it to our families, only in private. We talked about putting her up for adoption, we thought our lives as well as hers were over. Everything we had researched was negative. Her doctor didn't help matters by telling us she would only be able to play with other children with Down Syndrome (don't worry he is not our doctor anymore).
    Never did I imagine when I was playing with dolls that I would have a child with special needs. Never did I imagine that I would be strong enough to be who my daughter needed me to be. But life has a funny way of making you step up. Making you think back to those beginning few months when all you wanted was to curl in a ball and hide from the world, and realizing how silly you were. I never imagined being so proud, so thankful to have a child with special needs. She has made me grow into a better person. Has taught me about empathy, and unconditional love.  Has brought my husband and I closer together. I am extremely proud of my daughter and all that she has accomplished in her 20 months on this earth.